The question of marriage in modern times has negative connotations around its necessity.
Judging from many online dating gurus and content creators, they feel the institution is obsolete. The 50 percent divorce rate for all first marriages usually gets quoted during their critiques as proof of its uselessness (Banschick,2012).
Worse, some of these online personalities give highly questionable advice to young people regarding relationships.
I have heard extreme views from male and female influencers with high bars set for the opposite sex. In fairness, everyone has a right to their preferences in a free society. Whether they are realistic or not will depend on the individual holding the standard.
If one can command what they are asking for, so be it.
However, not having any suitors should serve as an indication of whether the demands are reasonable. What works for one human being could qualify as utterly unrealistic for the next. Therefore, one has to tailor their expectations to reality.
It is incredibly critical to question those who are giving you advice.
Are these individuals recovering from their pain and offering suggestions to better the public’s lives? Or speaking about their trauma from an unhealed perspective and thus transferring misery to other folks who are already hurting?
Answering those questions should give you a clue as to how seriously you should take their viewpoints.
All of us can sometimes make the mistake of immediately liking those who support our presuppositions. This individual experienced the same disappointments as us, which confirms our feelings as accurate.
A great quote from Thomas Sowell, an American economist, should give us pause concerning that impulse.
“When you want to help people, you tell them the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.” Many of the so-called gurus tell struggling people to blame their situation on the other gender.
You never have to change if you put the onus on someone else.
I’m not suggesting that there are no bad actors in the dating world. What I am saying is all the actors are not malevolent. As a good friend told me, “We are all sitting ducks in a pond” when entering into a partnership with someone else.
All we can hope to do is lower the odds of taking fire by picking wisely, but we’re still vulnerable nonetheless.
As someone who has engaged in marriage for many years, I look at the glass half full. While some data suggests that men derive more advantages than women for mental health within a marriage (Horwitz, White & Howell-White, 1996), married couples do outlive single people (Haomia & Lubetkin, 2020).
Wedded couples also lived longer active lives (years in good health) than unmarried couples (Haomia & Lubetkin, 2020).
Sometimes the best parts of having a partner are things that do not show in a study. The silly moments where you make each other laugh over goofy things that only you two would understand because of all your years together are priceless.
At least, I think it’s invaluable, which a young guru wouldn’t know anything about since they don’t have that experience.
So, before you get pessimistic as it relates to marriage. Do a deeper dive into what’s going on with you internally and start from there. At that point, you’ll have a better idea of how to proceed than listening to online people who don’t know you.
What do you think? Am I an old “simp” trying to protect the sanctity of marriage?
References:
Banschick, M. (2012). The high failure rate of second and third marriages. Psychology Today
Haomiao, J & Lubetkin, E. L. (2020). Life expectancy and active life expectancy by marital status among older U.S. adults: Results from U.S. Medicare health outcome survey. SSM Population Health, 12.
Horwitz, A. V., White, H. R., & White-Howell, S. (1996). Becoming married and mental health: A longitudinal study of a cohort of young adults. Journal of Marriage and Family,58, 895- 907.